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Apologies

5K views 34 replies 21 participants last post by  RJF 
#1 ·
All, I lost my wife of 25+ years last month. I've been pretty devastated and haven't shown much interest in things other than her and the horrific administrivia associated with the loss of a loved one. I am so glad she is not having to go through all of this. There is a new "normal" that will never approach the joy and love we had together. Her love of horses keeps me going, and the living legacy of her love is a horse named Hawk - one we got as a companion for our first love, Mac, who passed last Thanksgiving, this land she found, and our two barn kitties who are now over 15 years old.

Perhaps I will come back to this forum as much as I had been, but for now, I'm in mourning and dealing with a life without my beloved by my side. I check periodically, but am not as active as in the past.

She is in God's Heaven, with her beloved ones and surrounded with love we could never imagine in this mortal life. That certainty keeps me going.

Thank you for your patience. I'll get through this and be back some day. Thought you should know about my relative silence on this forum of brothers and supporters.

Bob
 
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#27 ·
Horse trimmer was out this weekend. Hawk's hooves were in good shape (no thrush or other untoward problems). He enjoyed her using a "bot knife" to clear out some bot eggs I had noticed. I don't love on him and groom him as much as I should, and I'm working on that.

There is a flood of NY Life mailings demanding my attention - something I have set on our dining room table and will eventually get to. We held no life insurance for her, but gobs for me to keep her comfortable. The challenge will be her annuity and IRAs mostly, and adjusting the beneficiaries to her son as the primary.

The same holds true for my VGLI and a few other insurance policies.

I am so glad she is not going through all of this. And so glad she is no longer in such pain, but rather embraced in love from our Savior and surrounded with her loved ones.

To say she is in a "better place" is such a tremendous understatement...

I so love her, and so miss her. Mortal life is just that - mortal, which means an end, and which means a beginning. She is there! Awaiting me patiently while enjoying the indescribable love of Heaven with those she so loved.

I'm good, but still miss her, as I always will.
 
#28 ·
Well RJF...I think that your mention of bot eggs may just cost me a good night's sleep tonight. :oops:

I made the mistake of looking this up on Wikipedia as I was not familiar with the term. "Oh gross" fails to adequately cover it. 🤢

That is another thing I look forward to in Heaven...no more yucky parasites and disease...for us...or our furry loved ones!

Stay strong my brother and keep leaning on the LORD Jesus.
 
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#29 ·
According to our equine vet, bot eggs are an annoyance, but really nothing particularly serious, particularly as we enter winter in VA.

I am perplexed at Hawk's change in preferred diet: After coming in from his turn-out, he used to dive into his "gruel" first, then into the hay. Over the past several weeks, he has changed to hay first, and then his "gruel" (which contains the supplements JoAnne had determined best for him). And for about the past week, he hasn't finished his "gruel" and often just nibbled at it, leaving most un-eaten. Same formula that he had been eating for years. Overnight, he often finished it off but not for the latest week or so. Colic is a concern, but he poops regularly, drinks his water, and devours his hay. Gut sounds are normal, so all I can think of is he has lost his taste for the gruel formula he has been happily devouring for years.

JoAnne formulated his "gruel" to have supplements she thought he should have, and she was always right and up-to-date as to what he should need. He's not getting them and I'm at a loss as to what to do. I even added some psylium (smells like black licorice - which horses love) last night, and didn't seem to make a difference. I will discuss this with our vet.

Nice warm days and nights for the next few days, so that is a good thing. I'm very aware of the possibility of colic with wide temp extremes, as that is what caused our Mac's evac to a horse hospital for a few days less than a year after we moved here.

Our barn cats are becoming more loving and vocal each day, which is nice for me, but they're over 15 and Spooky (our black male) is starting to change his patterns, which is somewhat worrisome. Coughs and sneezes he's had for several months, and a general loss of appetite recently has me worried, but he would not tolerate a vet examining him. Still very loving and needs contact with me - he sleeps soundly when he's on my arm computing, or curls up with me when I take an impromptu nap on the floor of the Toybox.

Time will tell what is going on. Hawk is the prime concern right now, but as long as his appetite with pasture and hay is up and his poop-level is normal and his water intake (and exhaust) is normal, I'm not in a panic mode just yet.

I promised both JoAnne and Mac I would take care of Hawk, and that is what I have every intention to do as long as I am physically capable. He keeps me going here, as he joined our family when we moved to this farm almost 17 years ago, and was Mac's very best friend.

Overtime to let Hawk out for his evening turn-out, so I'll close out for the evening.

Thank you all for your support and concerns.

Bob
 
#31 ·
Migyver, Mac's full name was MacGuyver: a hat-tip to the TV show, but with a personalized twist. He was a very clever horse - something we often joked about - and had a tremendous sense of humor, to include his own way of smiling and dumping hay on my head and grabbing the button on the top of my baseball cap and tossing the cap. There are so many fond memories that surround me on this farm (which JoAnne found), and my tears are of gratitude for the mortal lives we had together. All of us.

There truly is a medical "thing" called broken-heart syndrome, and I suspect I'm going through a bit of that - as I'm sure JoAnne went through with the loss of our Mac just under a year ago - but Hawk keeps me busy enough to not wallow in my grief/mourning. Just worrying about his eating of gruel of late. I think I have narrowed it down to one of three ingredients...

Her son and his family will be down here this weekend. That will be nice, and JoAnne's absolute best friend and her family have offered to visit whenever I'm feeling the need for company, or help around the farm.

Much of my adult life was as a bachelor, so living alone is - sadly - not new. It is wholly different when the love of your life of over 25 years is no longer around. I know she is with me, so I'll continue to take care of Hawk - the one she chose for Mac as his pal. It is my personal obligation to her and to Mac. And then there are the loving barn kitties...So I have a "mission", and that is very important for recovery.

I'm staying strong as much as I can. My main worries are the care of our critters when the prostate cancer finally takes me.

Bob
 
#32 ·
By no means an Expert on such things, but you are going through a "greiving" process.

Your loss was great, but I'm certain that your wife would want the best for you during the rest of your life.

Your taking care of her animals shows you honor her memory, and your obilgations.

One day at a time, and the hurt of your recent loss will recede little-by-little and the good memories, when they come, be less painful, and eventually more welcome.

My respects, sir.
 
#33 · (Edited)
Thanks, RI. I skipped through all of the seven stages of grieving after the docs showed me the MRIs and CT scans of the amount of brain damage, the prognosis, pneumonia, and potential lung cancer developing. The decision to remove her from life support was a no-brainer as we had both discussed such a contingency. Having her son present and also knowing her sincere wishes, the decision wasn't difficult, but nonetheless painful.

We both knew that, at one point, one of us would pass on before the other. We also both prayed that our demise would not be mutual, as there were - and are - concerns about the care of our beloved critters should that happen.

Having nearly lost her through three heart attacks, I think I was mentally prepared that she would pass on first. She was very aware she lost both her parents in their early '70s, and had commented a number of times that she had "outlived" her mother. Somehow, she knew her time was up, even though the manner or timing of her mortal death was not something she or I saw coming. She was also five years my senior. She was 73, with her last few years in chronic pain from RA/OA.

I am so thankful we lived over the last 1/3 of her life together, in bliss and seeing her live her life-long dream and passion of being around horses together. I am forever surrounded with such wonderful memories and reminders, and Hawk and the kitties - and this land - are living legacies of her. My tears are of gratitude and awe of God's blessings and love - not so much of grief.

I'll be okay, just processing a bachelor life again after well over 25 years blissful life with her.

Thanks for your comments!

Bob
 
#35 ·
Imararangemaster, you have been of good friend over the years, and I appreciate your prayers more than you could know. Her passing was pretty much unexpected, but she had so many other painful things going on that, in the end, it was a blessedly and comparatively quick end for her. Her veteran son and I shared her last days together - as she would have wanted, and the medical conditions of her massive stroke left no doubt as to our decision to relieve her of her suffering and fulfillment of her final wishes. A DNR was a joint and obvious decision for us: she would have never allowed a decision that left her in a vegetative state in a nursing home, on life support with no prospect of healing: the only other prospect she was facing.

It is tough to be sure, but we also understood that most likely one of us would "survive" the other, so here we are. In many ways, her passing before me is a blessing for her, as I could never imagine her dealing with the life insurance/SSA/DFAS/IRA administrivia I'm now dealing with. She HATED paying bills so I stepped up to do that shortly after we married over 25 years ago.

So it is now me, Hawk (our surviving horse), and two barn kitties remaining on this remote farm JoAnne found - with God's guiding hand for all: a continuing blessing and an everlasting memory and legacy of her I will not give up in this mortal life.

It pretty much takes the wind out of my sail for now, and it will take some time for me to adjust. For their part, the two semi-feral barn kitties have curled up to me for my naps near the barn, and Hawk is still loving as he has always been. All of that keeps me going. Guns are a of a lesser at this point.

Bob
 
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