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Apologies

5K views 34 replies 21 participants last post by  RJF 
#1 ·
All, I lost my wife of 25+ years last month. I've been pretty devastated and haven't shown much interest in things other than her and the horrific administrivia associated with the loss of a loved one. I am so glad she is not having to go through all of this. There is a new "normal" that will never approach the joy and love we had together. Her love of horses keeps me going, and the living legacy of her love is a horse named Hawk - one we got as a companion for our first love, Mac, who passed last Thanksgiving, this land she found, and our two barn kitties who are now over 15 years old.

Perhaps I will come back to this forum as much as I had been, but for now, I'm in mourning and dealing with a life without my beloved by my side. I check periodically, but am not as active as in the past.

She is in God's Heaven, with her beloved ones and surrounded with love we could never imagine in this mortal life. That certainty keeps me going.

Thank you for your patience. I'll get through this and be back some day. Thought you should know about my relative silence on this forum of brothers and supporters.

Bob
 
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#3 ·
Brother Bob,
I am so sorry to hear that you have lost the earthly companionship of your beloved wife. I will miss you and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. My heart breaks for you. My wife is my best friend, and we are inseparable. Were the LORD Jesus to call her to be with Him I would be so lonely. I am hopeful that the knowledge that she is where she so longed to be and that she was no longer suffering this evil world would console me and help me limp along. Additionally, I know that in such an event I would be joining her very soon as I am confident that the Rapture is so very close at hand. Stay strong my brother and I am here for you if you need an ear. 😢
 
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#11 ·
Sorry for your loss,, None of our words can fill the void, but maybe they will let you know that at least you have some friends who care.

Randy
 
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#12 ·
Hang in there!!!

You're going through the most difficult life experience for a man.

I've tried to imagine life without my wife......I can't.

Take care of yourself and Hawk and the kittles........she would want that.
 
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#14 ·
Thanks to all. I pass by from time to time, but it will take some time until I am as active as I had been. You are family, but taking care of Hawk and the kitties are what JoAnne would have commanded as Job #1. Something I agree with 100%. Doing those "chores" of love keeps me going, and that love responds.

She had a life-long passion and dream of having a horse in her life. Our Mac gave her that, with Hawk becoming his BFF years later, when we moved to this farm through God's guidance. There are many lasting legacies of her, this farm included, that I experience each and every day.

I'll be okay, but will be forever changed - both physically and spiritually. My labors of love for our horse Hawk are much about my pledge to her (and our departed Mac) that I would take care of him. Between him and our two barn kitties (that have become even more loving), that is what keeps me going.

Guns, right now, take a back seat to all of which I am experiencing at this point.

Thanks for being family.

Bob
 
#15 ·
I believe that all your friends here want the best for you.. I lost my Sister, just recently, who married her high school sweetheart.
He is doing his best to get over his loss, by staying strong, somehow. I think my Sister told him, in her last moments, to live his life to the fullest, and to not grieve over-much for her passing. After all, by their mutual reckoning, she is in rhe hands of God, and I reckon well-received.

All of us have suffered losses, and we all want the best for you, in your time of loss and pain.

Please let us know if we can help in anyway posible.
 
#20 ·
Saw a trusted lawyer today to update my will and see what adjustments need to be made for our trust. It was tough, but he was good and will work to do the things we both wanted. We were the poster child for the need to keep a Trust updated (which we didn't). Not as bad as I thought, though and he will take care of things.

I still sleep a lot, but it is fitful at best, and heat-pump sounds in the night awaken me wondering if she is up. There is a bit of a "brain-fog" as I go through this. Caring for our surviving horse and the barn kitties helps.

She was in a LOT of chronic pain, and I certainly don't miss hearing her cry out in pain as she turned over in her sleep. And her last few days at home were in excruciating agony. There is the ole saw "she is no longer in pain", and it is appropriate, but that is the least of her journey into the loving embrace of Jesus, surrounded with love more incredible than we could ever imagine.

After three heart attacks, I was sort of emotionally braced that she would pass from this mortal life before me. A massive stroke came out of the blue, but she was a Calvinist, accepting God's will that it was "her time". I do too, but it doesn't help the hurt.

As for grief, I went through this with my parents, our Fi (avatar), our Scruffy, and our Mac - our first love together. I have come to realize that grief is, to put it harshly, a selfish emotion for one who truly believes their loved one is in Heaven - which I do. It is perfectly natural of course, but knowing JoAnne is in God's Heaven, surrounded with love more than we could ever imagine, and with her Mac and our Fi and our Scruffy and her parents and all of the loved ones of her life that have passed, is comforting.

Still, an empty house is tough. I talk to her each and every day, as most widowers/widows do, and spend much of my time in my shop and the barn for things other than sleep. It is a natural reaction. It is comforting - something I most need these days.

Thank you for all your prayers. She is still with me, and always will be, and living an eternal life filled with endless trail rides with her Mac, cuddles with our Fi and Scruffy, and patiently awaiting me.

I'm good!

Bob
 
#22 ·
RJF: Clearly, this forum is as much about the members as it is about our weaponry. Please think of us as "the best friends you never met", which we are. Lean on us when and as needed. Your beautiful tributes to your wife have touched us all. My wife and I have been together for over 49 years. She has had 3 heart attacks, 5 stents, at age 79. I'm 84 and know that one of use before too long is going to be experiencing what pain you are feeling now. So easy to empathize with you. God bless you.
Ralph
 
#23 ·
Prayer brother. Jesus Send my brother Bob an angel to comfort him to rest well knowing his wife is pain free and young again, enjoying the joys of heaven. And when the time comes for Bob have is wife stand by to walk him into your kindom without fear. In your name Jesus I pray.
AMEN.
 
#24 ·
Thanks to all. You are indeed friends I need.

Took our A-B Trust to a lawyer this week to see what he can do (we hadn't updated since 2000). Also to update my carry-over will. NY Life (our prime insurance carrier) has probably sent enough documents to account for ¼ of the Amazon Rain Forest. Just updated my VGLI beneficiaries this week also. All is mostly changing the secondary beneficiaries to primary now, and adding some secondary ones who did not exist years ago. Still need to do the same with my AAFMAA insurance.

Thankfully, all our bank accounts and property title were Joint Right of Survivorship.

Still need to officially notify the Defense Finance and Accounting (DFAS) office in order to stop the Survivor's Benefit Plan (SBP) withholding. That I have to do via mail or fax, with (of course) a DD form with a witness.

Tried stopping the TRICARE Express Scripts automatic Rx refill for her, but it will no longer allow for that on-line. Apparently dropping her from DEERS cut off the TRICARE access but not the Express Scripts auto refill. Will need to call - which always hurts.

More sympathy cards, the most recent from her pain-management person, who she liked very much. I still need to find the snail-mail address of one of her cousins who wrote often to inform her of JoAnne's passing. She will be devastated, even though they had not seen each other for more than the 25 years we were married. I still haven't mustered up the courage to respond to the multitude of sympathy cards received. Perhaps next week - after I get a box of thank-you cards. JoAnne would have demanded that!

This election day will be my first without her since we were married. It had been a tradition for us to go to the polling place together, to vote in person as our civic duty. Now, it will be just me. As one wise person on this forum said, "the first...without a loved one is always the toughest". He is so right! This election day will also be the 25th anniversary of our "church" wedding - a taking of our oaths to one another in God's house, rather than in a magistrate's office. It is the anniversary we most recognized.

I know she is with me; there are subtle signs not seen before. I won't go into details, lest I be led off to a funny-farm.

There are concerns, to be certain. Unlike before, when she could drive me home from a medical appointment that I could not drive from, there is really no one unless I tap one of our/my neighbors (who would willing do so). If something were to develop with our surviving horse, I am at a loss (but we had a wonderful vet who might help out). My concern is that I would not recognize something requiring attention.

I have not begun to address her clothes or her (our) master bedroom. That will take quite a while.

I still need to force myself to eat - I just have no appetite and I'm already seriously underweight. She did her best to keep me fed and I'm still eating meals she prepared for me and put in the freezer. Those will run out and I'm already digging into steaks and stuff I froze over the years. Am currently working on a pizza I got this week - ¼ per day. Have also started steak-and-eggs on toast once a day. Not large portions, but satisfying. I need to increase the portions to perhaps enlarge my stomach a bit. Maybe next week...

More later, but I need to check on our "pony" and walk about a bit. And perhaps light up our burn-ring to do away with the multitude of debris that accumulates on 25 acres of farm and woods. Also, maybe do some mowing...
 
#25 ·
RJF,
I'm very sorry for your loss, but you must try to keep a positive attitude. My words may sound insensitive, but life is for the living, and living is continuing on with what makes you feel fulfilled. You're lucky in the fact that you have a large tract of land, so there should be no lack of projects to keep you active and occupied. You might try to think of something that your wife wanted done on the farm, and dedicate that as a project to take on, and complete. The danger is falling into a malaise, and not keeping active. Good luck, and remember that you have a lot of folks that have your back.
 
#26 ·
Gary, thank you for your kind words. Believe me, there are gobs and gobs of things JoAnne wanted done on the farm that I failed to do: from short "wish lists" to "Honey-Do's" to a 4X6 whiteboard full of things to do. First order of business (other than day-to-day tasks such as moving hay to the barn and mowing) is replacing the very crappy gutter system for the barn and shed. We literally have trees growing in the gutters for the barn. That all gets replaced on the 28th, by LeafFilter: a big expense she would have choked at but needs to be done. Fencing and dilapidated gates will also need to be addressed, but there is also removing all the jumps and Dressage markers in her "arena" and just making it an alternate pasture for our surviving horse. There is plenty to do, and I'll tackle a little bit at a time, but the administrivia can't wait much longer as I am sure much of it is time-sensitive. We had a Merrill Lynch account that needs to be closed out, for example, which includes transfer of cash funds and stocks to our/my local Wells Fargo account.

I am keeping about as much a positive attitude as I can, but there are underlying concerns that still bother me, mostly concerning being able to see things in our surviving horse that require attention beyond my capabilities. Horses were (second to me) her life-long dream and passion and why I am now here on a farm with a 20-year-old horse named Hawk. It is a blessing that cannot be overstated. JoAnne was always keen to see even minor changes that may require addressing, and then she would take care of them or call our vet. I will never be at the level she was in caring for him or knowing when to call in our vet, and that is the overwhelming concern I have. When he lost his pasture-pal and best friend almost a year ago, we both promised both of them we would not abandon him, and I have every intention of honoring that promise.

Thankfully with Winter's onset, mowing will be less of a distraction of time, and a time to deal with things like jump-stands and rotted/rusted gates that are a haven for wasps. Her son and grandson are but four hours away, and they will come visit from time-to-time and help out with projects, but he just retired from the Army and is job-searching and I haven't prepared our guest bedroom/bath for a visit yet. The dining room table is covered with correspondence I've yet to address. And I have yet to start going through JoAnne's clothes...

To be sure, I thank God each and every day, and several times during the day, for our blessings. I know we will all be together again in God's Heaven, embraced by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ with love we cannot imagine. I will be patient, and try not to screw things up in getting there, as there is a horse and two barn cats dependent on me that I will not abandon. It is the nature of a mortal life, I suppose...
 
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