Your last name stays put.
The garage is yours.
Wedding plans just take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white t-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't give a rats ass if someone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's too icky.
Same work...more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress: $5000, Tux rental: $100
People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, all the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest bit of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a 3 pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passengers seat.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking "He must be mad at me".
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than 5 colors.
You don't have to stop and think which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 45 minutes.
Damn, it's good to be a man!!
"Madness takes its toll, Please have exact change."